Saturday 10th July 2021

 I feel lonely. 

It comes and goes every so often and there will be realisation when i look at Adam and i genuinely wonder why am i doing with him if i feel so unhappy. And as per usual i just carry on with what i assume has to happen. It's school holidays and currently quarantining which finishes tomorrow thankfully. And just feel soooo bored. Bored and lonely. 

Little update from last post. Landlord was shit so went onto buying a house. Also got engaged at Christmas. Then we broke up for a month because a was lying and hiding his drinks. 

It's bizarre with A. I have moments where i feel like he is the best thing in the world and i could never live without him. Then some moments and probably more often then not i just honestly do not understand why we are together. 

Even when we proposed at Christmas time, it was just because its time for the next step. We've bought a house together what's next. I don't understand why I'm in it. He's hurt me so many times, and there are times were he will just not acknowledge shit I want. Simple things around the house. It's always a no. I probably am the same. But i just don't feel happy. 

I know I'm rambling. That's what you are here for. To let out my shit thoughts that i have constantly. All of a sudden we are back in this shit place and I'm exhausted with living with him. Though makes me think how lonely i would feel by myself. Maybe happier because i only have my own self to let me down. Im clearly having a moment. Tomorrow i have plans to make chicken curry and go car boot sale, then home clean and school work. Maybe even a walk. 

And maybe things will change in a few weeks as i bought a dog! And i will feel less lonely. Doubt the cats will be happy though haha

My once a year post

So as I do .. my once every so often update on life.
ANYWAY!!!
I finished university last year end of May and I flew off to America for three months with J. It was the best adventure of up and down-ness ever and I loved it. I probably will or will not  write about that one day.
Fast forward to today, I graduated with a First Class honours degree which I'm STILL shocked about. I'm STILL with Adam, and I signed up for a teaching course which I have a job which I start in September, and I have applied for a rented house just today. To move in with Adam and Nette. HOW insane!!!

I'm shook and scared. I can't wait for so much that I am missing out on my current life but I am so excited for the future. I can't wait to start earning money - forget about the responsibilities of the job haha. Though I'm shocked, I've made it enough to get a job as a teacher! Like how crazy is that. ME???!!! Right I better get back to my school work.
also I have a beautiful ginger baby called zuko!

Monty

Sitting here just a few weeks shy of finishing university. How time flies. These last three years of my life have been something else. Monty passed away on 11th March, a month today which has just broken my heart. We had that cat for nearly 4 years. And I've never known a cat so good to us, but we were never good to him. Not me, but mum and dad. He's taught me such an important lesson to adopt not buy though. There's so many cats like Monty which, once I have my own home I will adopt. I miss him so much.
He loved A too, like those two had the best connection ever. And whenever A would come over, they'd be after each other like Monty where are you, or A where are you and then comes the constant purring.
Thing with Monty was that he was Howls friend, and played with Howl. He looked at you and purred with love. If there was a forgiving cat, it was him. I really do miss him, and would do anything to have him back. Him and Zelda. It hurts so much thinking I've lost within these last 2 years, two of the best things that had ever happened to me.

I wish he had a bit longer with us, just another year even so. I mean the boy just wanted to play and cuddle. I couldn't even explain how much of great cat he was. I can't explain how much I miss him. He was THE best cat ever. Like he went through so much. Got dumped, then came to us and dad just didn't want him in the house. So he basically spent two years out. My poor baby. I wish things went so different for you. I wish I snuck you in more often. I wish a lot. And for your sake, I am looking forward to the day I buy a house, and the first thing I will do is adopt cats.


   I love you Monty. I can't explain how sorry I am. I wish you were with us longer. It almost feels like a dream, that you haven't really gone. I really want you back. So badly. I love you Monty baby.

So the past few months have been crazy.
I found out in February, just after I had a minor car accident that I'm losing my job. All in all I've found out it was just a scare, but all my chef buddies are losing their job. It's weird cause I work in the kitchen, but don't get paid for being a chef, and the company don't have the money to pay for everyone to be made redundant therefore I think my job is saved. Which I now know.

Though it's just not a great year, I mean it'll never be as bad as last year, after I lost Zelda. But I guess since then it's just not been great this year either. I've never actually felt so miserable in my life. I feel like my boyfriend basically see's me as this trophy girlfriend, and most the time is sex or wanting sex and nothing much else. He recently ditched me for his friends, some leaving do, and like a fucking beg I am I went back and saw him after not really talking to him for a week or so. I think before that I found him lying to me about something so trivial.
I'm trying to exercise to stay happy but I don't know, the endorphin's aren't working anymore. I feel so miserable constantly. Even that's a struggle to do, to be honest.

Don't get me wrong, he helps me and goes through my hmewrk with me from school and that, but apart from that...

I know what you'll be thinking, oh just break up with him. I've tried so hard. So fucking hard. But it's hard seeing him hurt, and cry whenever we get into fights. But when it comes to love? Where is it? Unless I go and see him, or I arrange/suggest something.
Then theres the whole car thing. I feel like he doesn't understand how much it bothers me he doesn't have a car. Nearly two years in as well. Just get a fucking car.

I just feel like shit. I have a dead end job, I mean I'm at uni but I felt like I was something, and now I'm back to where I was three years later. And my boyfriend half doesn't give a shit about what I want. Like I never expected my life to be like this two years ago. I just thought I'd be happy at least.
I don't know, but I'm definitely feeling like I'm carrying some sort of dead weight on my heart for a while now. And I don't know what it is. I mean he's nice to me. He is a nice guy. Never means to be malicious. But that doesn't mean he hasn't been a prick. Maybe I've given it to as good as I've gotten too. But I don't know, I shouldn't be balling my eyes out, feeling sorry for myself.
Need to man up really. Sigh with that, I'm going bed, and going to see what tomorrow bring. Hopefully a run

I always find myself back on this blog when I feel a bit stuck on who to talk to or even what to say. It's nice though, my little secret blog.
It's really sad usually I used my twitter for my random usually judgemental comments that I make about people, but today I got judged and quite frankly I feel uncomfortable about this. Totally explaining the full story now.
So my boyfriend of a years, family. They seem okay, we seem to get on and what not. I've probably offended them along the way, but I'm of that nature. Though I've noticed when I do they never really give me the chance to apologise, usually they just tell Adam, and he just tells me to not bother saying anything to them from then forth again or whatever. Which I find so so unfair, more so because my family are just very blunt about everything. I find stuff like this frustrating cause I know I try and treat everyone equally- usually just like family till I get annoyed.
Anyway, I ranted on twitter about Christmas presents and my exact words were "I feel like some people forget I'm a student, I work to put food on my plate and buy myself thing, not other people. Take your dumb expensive lists/ideas and shove it somewhere".
I had Adams middle sister - I've only ever spoken two sentences to her in my life, get her younger sister to message Adam, and ask him whether I had a problem with her and whether it was about her. I wasn't even talking about her funnily enough. But I just felt like there was some underlying message. I'm sure the girl is lovely. But being a girl and fully aware about how bitchy girls can be, so this discussion with Adams mum has probably made us looking really bad. Makes me laugh cause she doesn't even follow me! As don't I.
I'm very jealous of him and his sisters, cause they are very spoilt. Pretty much everything on their plates paid for. My parents give me more than enough, and I'm forever grateful for what they have done for me and taught me. But I mean if I could dream or be envious of people who get everything, why not?

I don't know, I feel like instead of making a good impression on them, I haven't. I'm just going to be Adams, first, bitchy girlfriend who no one likes. It's so sad. It actually makes me really sad. Cause I know my parents will never be happy with Adam cause he's white, but this is an actual problem with my personality.

I adore logging into the blog that I've had since I was 15/16 and remembering what it was like. Or even what I was like a few months back. When I did my last  update. 

I reread the blog which where I got my JL cafe job, and Jesus stuff has changed from there. I'm currently looking into going uni, as well as having two jobs at the moment. So very very busy. College doesn't finish till a few months. End of June, so it's just sitting down and making sure I get my ass in gear. 

Gym has just disappeared into thin air currently. It's terrible considering I've got Ben Nevis end of June. So I do need to seriously buck up, and get back into fitness as well as start concentrating on school work. 

I find  myself amazing at what I potentially may be doing with my life. a few years ago, the concept of more education and paying for it sounded horrendous. And now it feels right to go and find out more. Having a job really does encourage you to push yourself forward. Though I do find myself less at home and more at work doing overtime haha. Money is very addictive. Though I find myself less adventurous and boring recently. I need to get out more and do some fun stuff. 

I've been thinking about taking a break from my volunteer work in food and maybe finding an animal shelter to volunteer in once college finishes. Either that or just work loads and make lotsa money ;). 

I know a lot of people say money isn't everything, but money will buy me things I want. And I guess it makes me superficial? But if I can happily make myself happy without anyone else, isn't that good? Kinda goes on the whole independent woman. 

I recently went on a date with most my money spent- only £2 in my account, and I remember just sitting there feeling uncomfortable as I had to rely on someone else. Well I had tea so it wasn't that bad haha. But the thought of it, is just awful. Not being able to spend what I want, how I want to. Now I'm out there, doing my own thing, going back is horrible. Mmm not a very interesting posty so sorry. 

Till a few months now ;) 

New Year!

Its the new year bam bam good for me stating the obvious!
Change Change Change! Currently I am concentrating on losing weight, well trying. I was nicely on track and then Xmas happened and my gym decided to close for a week (two in my head) so I got completly off track which is terrible. And I weighed myself and everything I lost, its back on. I'm slowly getting back on track, but it was so difficult getting into the habit of going 5 times a week, and now it's just about 3 times. Just. My aim is to get back on track, soon after that aims in place I want to lose atleast 20kgs! Thats my aim for now.
Moving back to mummys, I decided I should get myself a cat! She's a fluffy little monster, and I adore her! I'm learning so much from having her, and just the responsibility of having her, it's amazing how much having a pet can teach you. I'm trying to think much more positively now, and just concentrating on what makes me happy. With that I plan to go abroad on holiday - with my sis of course! I'm thinking France or Italy. Ohh not really sure but I am excited!
I need to properly unpack, the thought amuses me greatly, but part of me feels like I'll move again which will happen, god knows when! Yeah so that's me! For now! Will update soon, and maybe with some amusing stuff or something more interesting than a causal update of what is happening! Well See ya later!